We’re told there’s a loneliness epidemic in America. But ask people whether they have friends and almost everyone says yes.
In fact, 98 percent of Americans say they have at least one friend, according to data from The American Friendship Project, co-founded by Natalie Pennington, an assistant professor at Colorado State University in Fort Collins.
“It’s about the quality of the friendships, not the number of friends,” Pennington said. “So I can have friends, but if I’m not happy about the time I spend with them or how close I am, that’s where we can get loneliness.”
More than half of Americans say they have five or more friends, yet nearly as many say they want more closeness in those relationships.
So what does it actually take to make, keep and strengthen friendships as adults? Pennington shared several tips.
1. The real barriers to friendship are practical
The biggest obstacles to maintaining friendships aren’t emotional.
“Our latest data actually shows that it’s sort of a mix of practical things, like it’s expensive or I don’t have a car,” Pennington said.
Money can limit socializing when people assume hanging out means spending money on dinner, drinks or events. Transportation and city design also matter. If communities aren’t walkable or accessible, meeting up becomes harder.
Health issues also play a role. People dealing with chronic conditions or medical treatments often socialize less.
And then there’s time.
People often assume their friends are too busy, especially if they have families or demanding jobs, and stop reaching out.
“If they said no once and then were like, ‘Okay, well, they know that they don’t want to,’” Pennington said. “Just because they were busy one time doesn’t mean they are busy the next time.”
2. Texting helps but it’s not the best
Group chats, memes and daily texts help people stay in touch. But digital communication doesn’t replace real interaction.
“When we get to hear someone’s voice and talk to them, it just has this scientifically more of an effect on helping us feel a sense of connection and belonging and less loneliness than if we texted with them,” Pennington said.
Face-to-face interaction remains the “gold standard.” Being physically present allows for eye contact, shared space and even touch, all of which strengthen connection and reduce stress.
Video calls don’t deliver the same benefit.
“People actually tend to really dislike video calls,” Pennington said, noting that seeing yourself on screen can make conversations feel awkward.
3. Making friends gets harder as adults
In childhood and college, friendships often form naturally because people are placed together in schools or activities. As adults, it takes more effort.
“If you have a strong sense of self and identity and know the communities you’re a part of, when you move to a new community, you can plug into those groups,” Pennington said.
But people who don’t have clear hobbies, communities or identity groups may struggle to find entry points.
Parenthood can complicate things even more, especially when friends enter different life stages at different times.
“When you get out of sync with your friends, whether that’s kids or ‘They got married and I didn’t’ … it shifts things,” she said.
Sometimes the answer is to seek out people going through similar experiences.
“That doesn’t mean those friends from before aren’t as important,” Pennington said. “But the value of having someone going through shared experiences is really important.”
4. It’s normal for friendships to fade
Unlike romantic relationships, friendships rarely end with dramatic breakups. They usually drift apart slowly.
“When friendships start to drift, people often struggle with that,” Pennington said. “It tends to be that sort of slow shift away.”
Research shows these ambiguous relationships can feel especially stressful. But not all friendships need to stay active to remain meaningful.
Pennington describes two categories: dormant and commemorative friendships. Dormant friends are people you might reconnect with if you lived closer. Commemorative friends represent an important time or place in your life.
“I don’t like them any less,” she said. “I just don’t see them now.”
5. Your partner shouldn’t be your only BFF
Many people call their romantic partner their best friend. That can be healthy, but only if it’s not your sole close relationship.
If someone relies exclusively on a partner for friendship and emotional support, their social network may be too limited.
But when people have both a partner and other close friends, their support system grows stronger.
“I fight with my best friend, I can go to my romantic partner,” Pennington said. “I fight with my romantic partner, I can go to my best friend.”
6. Not every friendship has to be deep
Pennington worries that discussions about loneliness and connection can create unrealistic expectations.
“I worry sometimes … that I create undue pressure for them to have these great, amazing, wonderful friendships,” she said.
But friendships serve different roles. Some are for deep conversations. Others are for sports, hobbies or sharing memes.
“It’s the balance,” she said.
